After it ended - Episode 1
You saw it rite, you heard it rite…. Maybe I shld haf change my blog title to After it ended. But I thot, why nt juz use it as the title for each of my blog post….
So here I am, tellin you what is happenin to me, in my point of view. So here goes. Episode 1, After it ended.
Tuesday, July 10 2007.
I know its been hours since I saw her e-mail tat she sent me…. I am lost in my directions… I dun realli knw where to go, or hw to go on…. My mind is in a total mess… All hopes seem lost… Totalli lost.
Last nite, I was tokin to all my guy friends frm my camp. I had to sae, if nt for them, I realli couldn’t get thru the toughest time of my life…. Realli thanx to them, I manage to get advice I need to sort out my thinkin.
U see sometimes, you realli cannt avoid bein the unlucki one. But, its nt wat I wanted, I also hope for the best, hope tat I haf the things I wanted in life. But tat means its never easy.
Sortin thru my thinkin…. Well tokin wif all the guy friends, I let my emotions out…. I was tellin them, I did nt knw whether to cry or laugh? I realli dunno. Haha…. if you were in my shoe, its never easy, I guess.
Saturdae’s outin is at sentosa. I was like… OMG, I and her …. it will be strange to face her…. OMG, hw am I goin to face her???? I totalli went into some hidin…. hopin tat, I will no need to face her….
One of my guy friend told me… If u treasure her friendship wif urs, u shldn’t avoid her. I tink he is more sad than me, at least, I gt the answer tat earli. He is still out there ponderin wat will be his answer. I den keep on encouragin him, tellin him tat his chance is there, so be it, wat other ppl sae abt he n his girl, I tink he shld juz continue the hope tat he has and be confidence.
My other guy friend also told me tat she and me are still friends, so why shld I avoid her? I was tinkin to myself, yah… they are rite. BUT, suddenly, frm someone I love, I can onli be her friend…. Its tough, maybe I couldn’t accept the fact yet, but I will somehow haf to make a decision.
Yesh, makin decision… My guy friends realli persuaded me into changin my tinkin. I was like tellin them, I wld like to go later than them on saturdae, hopin I wld avoid her, but somehw, they change my thinkin to, I shld juz go on time. Maybe nw, I shld follow wat they sae…. Face her, but my mind and heart never do the same thing.
My heart is pinnin for me to juz be late on saturdae and hopin she isn’t there. But my mind is tinkin of wat all my guy friend are sayin. Face her. It became a contradictin moment between my mind and heart. It is a moment when I will need to knw which I shld follow.
Den I knw, the answer is juz nt there yet. Maybe, tommorrow, maybe, the dae after tommorrow? I wouldn’t knw. Well, anywae, thanx to the guys, I am able to keep my mind calm.
Wakin up in the morning…. I became a total zombie. I couldn’t control my thots and action well… Emotionless, I guess. I couldn’t even smile naturally anymore. How I wished, I never had to face this in the beginning.
Goin back to NS was like strange. I suddenly felt tat my NS mates treat me like total enemies. I dunno why, suddenly, the support I need wasn’t even available…. Diaoz… I was wonderin, well, I may had done sth wrong in the past, but can’t I be given redemption?
Thruout the whole dae, I totalli became a stranger to my NS mates. All my actions and speech became useless to them. They juz blame me for all the mistakes, whether I had made it or nt. But, I did nt blame anyone, neither did I argue wif them.
In the past, I may juz shout back to them to juz prove tat I am nt in the wrong. However, after she saved me and revive my life, I promised to change for her. So, when I was blamed for tings I did nt even did, I did nt argue, neither scold back. I thot to myself, SO BE IT. If they had to sae tat its my fault, so be it.
I didn’t wan to complain or compare anymore. I also dun see the point to argue abt whether I did it rite or wrong. I also dun even care whether they treat me as a total stranger or nt. Seriousli, it became no point to me anymore. So be it, if they blamed me, let them be. I nw knw tat SO BE IT, these 3 words is veri useful.
So be it, it helps me control my anger easili nw adaes… In the past, I couldn’t even learn hw to control, but nw, its totalli different. Maybe, the recent y camp helped me. But, the person who helped me the most is still her.
Strange thing is tat I haf my life shattered again, I thot I will gif up on tryin to be positive. Nw my hopes and dreams are shattered, so I thot all things are negative. But, everything is different. I still feel positive abt life. Maybe, she did helped me to maintain tat morale in me. Thou tinkin she did.
Hw I wished, i can never stand up wif a new life again. yet, she revived it. So, shld I laugh, or cry? I realli dunno. Tinkin of her, my hurt in the heart is still there, remose, yeah, sure there is. But there is one thing, I did nt felt it.
Its regret. There is no regret tat I felt for her. Maybe, I never felt regret is due to tat I had no regrets regardin her. Or maybe, I was hurt too mani times, tat I forget hw to feel hurt….
Heaven is never fair. I told one of my guy friend tat heaven is unfair to me for 22 times regardin love relationship. But can I blame them? Dun tink so, coz I can onli blame myself. If you tink of blamin others, why nt blame urself. Coz others never realli destroyed ur dreams and hopes, ur action or ur speech. But, its u who destroyed it.
So, I keep on blamin myself. So be it if my life is down, hopes and dreams are completly lost. But I will never wan to blame anyone again. I never shld in the beginnin. Its never rite, I guess????
Guess, I hardly can sleep well nwadaes… Its seriousli tough… I will rather nt slp, coz when I sleep, her image, her face juz comes into my mind. Even if I felt disturbed, can I stop tinkin abt her? I never knw, maybe nt, maybe yesh, but its definetly nt todae.
Hw abt tryin to forget her? Nah, its even tougher. Coz if u try to forget someone, you will still tink of tat person. Its tough for me to slp alreadi, wouldn’t it be tougher for me to forget her? My heart will hurt. So be it. Maybe time will help me. Nah, tis sentence never works.
Before my story ends, haha…. I haf been busy wif the lost love relationship wif her for the past few daes, tat I forget to help one of my brothers to promote his woman product. Hm… its definetly better than those brand like whisper, softee and kotex, I tink. I had one sample frm him and I did nt use lar…. I gaf it to my mum and my younger sis to use. haha…. dun get me wrong, but in regardless to tings related to health, I would wan my family to benefit mah….
Anywae, girls interested in tis product, can tell me lor. I get one sample for you to try. haha.
Well, that’s it. End of Episode 1.
